Woods, Woods and More Woods And a Barn
by bobissa
Summary: It was the most welcome break they had had from traipsing around all over the Midlands in as long as they could remember. Just a little fun with the Seeker gang at Chase’s house. RichardKahlan


Disclaimer: Not mine.

Warning/Spoilers: spoilers through the first season, some violence/gore

Notes: This is humor/crack fic, or as close as I could get. And the 'jaw' incident is based on something I read happened in the books. Thanks to Lint for the beta.

Woods, Woods, and More Woods (and a Barn)

"These dragon wings are delicious! I didn't think it was possible, Emma, but your cooking has gotten even better," Zedd said around the food he was having trouble keeping inside of his mouth. The Seeker, the Mother Confessor, and the wizard Zedd were sitting around a table eating and smiling and being wrapped in the warmth of Chase's home. It was the most welcome break they had had from traipsing around all over the Midlands in as long as they could remember, and Kahlan was trying to soak up as much mirth as she could.

"Tell me, are they made from real dragons?" the wizard asked seriously, wide eyed and still chewing furiously. There was a pause as everyone seemed to freeze, and Kahlan looked away while Emma struggled to find an answer. Just when Kahlan discretely glanced in Richard's direction, Zedd threw his head back and roared in laughter.

Leave it to Zedd to suck all the ease out of a situation and bring in the awkward. It was kind of his thing, Kahlan reckoned.

The adults laughed awkwardly while the children openly giggled and Zedd slapped his knee over and over again. Kahlan smiled at Richard across the table as he chuckled good-heartedly at his grandfather. That was one of the things she loved about him. Richard always, always remembered to laugh at Zedd's jokes.

He smirked back at her and she let her eyes rest on his until their smiles grew weak and were replaced with looks far from innocent enough to share in the presence of children. She swore, one day soon, one of those looks, full of heat and aching, would be the end of all that strength Richard claimed they had. Especially if he neglected to put on a shirt before he smoldered at her.

Before she could let her mind wander too far down that dangerous but beautiful road, Zedd rose to announce he was going for an after dinner walk and the spell was effectively broken. Thank the Spirits for Zedd, Kahlan thought before focusing her attention back on her food.

*

The meal was over shortly and everyone praised the cooking as they stood and made their way from the table. Richard was so full he considered unlacing the top of his trousers a bit. It seemed it had been months since he had a proper meal, what with all the fighting and training and walking through the woods he had been doing. Woods, woods and more woods. It was endless. He was convinced the Midlands were made up of 15% towns, 80% forests, and 10% phallic shaped buildings that housed Darken Rahl's prisoners/weapons/sleeveless leather tunics. Richard thought about the math for a moment. Should it be 20% towns? No, that was right.

Richard, Chase and the younger children adjourned to the soft chairs in front of the fireplace while the women cleared the dishes from the table and headed into the kitchen. The Seeker couldn't help but watch as his confessor – yes, she was _his_ Confessor – bent over the table, working and smiling as she talked quietly with Laura.

"Mr. Richard?" Chase's small son was pulling on his hand and looking up at him. "Story?" Richard looked down into the boy's large, expectant eyes and grinned. He was a ridiculously adorable little boy, and Richard had promised to tell him the story of how he defeated the dreaded Ferkinstrell of Dendendren, but just then Kahlan's laughter filled his ears and his head snapped up automatically. As he looked towards his beloved wiping down the table, he became instantly lost in the sight of something – well, two things – round and perfect beneath white fabric, swaying back and forth and back and forth and back and…

"Richard?" the child said again, shaking his hand with some force.

"Later, kid." Richard disengaged his hand and made a shooing motion in the boy's direction, but Kahlan had already straightened up and was disappearing into the kitchen with the other women. Spirits, children could be annoying.

"Richard?" Chase said from behind him, his large hand almost clamping down on Richard's shoulder. "Come and sit with us by the fire." Chase's grip on his shoulder tightened as he was none too gently steered toward the hearth.

*

"So how do you manage to get your hair so shiny and to flow so perfectly in the breeze?" The dishes had been done and the three women were standing around a tidy kitchen talking and laughing in the candlelight. Kahlan had just explained how to make the magical bleach that kept her dress so constantly white (it was her mother's formula, passed down from Confessor to Confessor, with a hint of lavender scent she added herself) when Laura inquired after Kahlan's perfect hair.

"If you promise not to tell anyone," Kahlan said conspiratorially. Laura nodded seriously, "I mix three different oils and add a secret ingredient." Laura's eyes got big and Kahlan leaned in to whisper. "No one can know." The girl nodded again. "The secret is horse manure. Makes the waves wavier and lets it swing in just the right way while I'm fighting." Laura let her mouth hang open as Kahlan went on to answer Emma's question about how to get the most out of a corset, cleavage-wise.

"Your headband is beautiful, Kahlan," Laura said a few minutes later, after they had stopped laughing at Emma's story of how Chase trapped a D'Haran soldier in the family outhouse and then lit it on fire.

"Oh, thank you, Laura." Kahlan fingered the hard grayish-white band resting atop her head. It was a remarkable accessory, and one she wore with respect and fierce pride. She closed her eyes and let a smile slip onto her face as she thought back to the day the Seeker so gallantly kicked that annoying, evil little brat's jaw right off her face. Oh, the blood! It had been everywhere, and though one might think the lack of a jaw would shut someone up, one would be wrong. The sounds that darling little hell-child made were truly horrific, but oh so satisfying. She tried not to, but Kahlan grinned at the memory of seeing the princess's expensive dress stained red from collar to train.

"Did Richard give it to you?" Her blush must have been answer enough, for Emma and her daughter awwed in unison as if on cue. "Yes, Richard gave it to me," she said without meeting their eyes. Though she knew she would have treasured anything her Seeker – yes, he was _her_ Seeker – had given her, this gift he had won for her represented so much more than affection. It was power and a warning to all evil-doers not to mess with Team Seeker, else your jaw bone be polished up and turned it into jewelry.

Kahlan sighed in contentment.

*

"Shouldn't we take the High Creek road?" The Seeker was leaning over a map in conference with Chase. The children sat closest to the fire looking on in slumped, cheek-resting-on-fist boredom.

"No. You should most certainly go through Dammhel Forest." Chase pointed to the map and drew his finger along the smooth surface. "You and Kahlan have already been through Dammhel, right?"

"No. And I'm not eager to." Richard hated to admit Chase might be right. He was sure it was a shorter route, but he had heard of the terrible dangers that abound in Dammhel. He shuddered at the thought. Running into an ROUS was pretty much his worst nightmare.

"Don't tell me you believe those stories about rodents of unusual size?"

"Don't be silly. I'm the Seeker! A ginormous rat doesn't scare me in the least." He would have been more convincing had his voice not jumped an octave on the last word. The kids giggled and Richard turned back to the map with a small huff.

"I just wish we could come up with a way to get into another D'Haran encampment. Then surely we could find out Rahl's plans."

"You can't pretend to be a soldier again. Rahl has made sure every man, woman and child in the Midlands knows your face." Rahl. That sleeve-hating bastard made him want to kick someone's jaw off. Again. Luckily, a happier image managed to invade his thoughts.

"Ooh, ooh! I know! Zedd can magically tailor another Mord Sith outfit for Kahlan." He had been looking for a good enough excuse for them to use that particular disguise again for some time now. Something about the combination of that leather, form-fitting suit and Kahlan made him all too glad to be shackled and smacked around. Kept him uncomfortably awake more than a few long nights, truth be told.

Chase gave him a skeptical look. He was reaching, and Chase knew it. After a moment, his old friend simply smiled at him. "We can finish planning tomorrow. I think the Seeker promised us a story, did he not?"

"Yay!" came from the contingent by the fire.

Richard couldn't help but smile when the children perked up. "Yes, I believe I did."

*

"You have no idea how nice it is to be able to talk to other women," Kahlan said. She missed the company of her sister Confessors terribly, but more than that, she missed having another female perspective around. Laura giggled and her mother shot her a stern look. "No, no!" Kahlan laughed, turning to see through the doorway the men and younger children sitting on the floor in the big room, all attention on the Seeker.

"Richard and Zedd are wonderful companions, but I do feel outnumbered quite a bit." Emma smiled and gave her arm a squeeze while they watched from the doorway as Richard gestured animatedly telling what must have been a thrilling tale of adventure, truth and triumph over evil. Laura went in to sit beside her brother, while Emma happily molded herself to her husband's side. Kahlan couldn't help but smile at this beautiful family, and this time, she didn't shed a tear in heartbreak for her own loss, but in joy as she looked at the man who had become her family.

She watched in wonder as Richard's excitement infected the entire room. They laughed when he laughed, got quiet when he was serious, cheered when he declared victory. She should have learned months ago to stop being surprised when another one of the Seeker's natural abilities presented itself. He was always picking up a new weapon and using it for the first time like he'd trained with it for years, or giving her a shrug when he stumbled upon some new magic they could use for their quest. Heck, he even managed to locate an edible mushroom that made her laugh and laugh at false images that danced in front of her eyes. She should have known better than to be surprised at his way with words, but she still beamed with equal parts pride and awe as he finished his story.

"And after I cut off the ferocious Ferkinstrell's head, Kahlan," Richard said turning to her and smiling proudly, "flung her daggers one after the other at the evil D'Haran guards and hit them right in the heart." Kahlan smiled shyly at him and the room got quiet. "She was amazing," he whispered, never taking his eyes off her. "They died instantly." His last words were spoken with such reverence in the stillness of the room, and Richard's face held such admiration and love that Kahlan never would have noticed that every member of Chase's family was staring at the two of them, holding their breaths in anticipation, and feeling as if they were invading a very private moment between Seeker and Confessor.

Luckily, an always well-timed entrance by Zedd took place right before things got too uncomfortable. The old wizard burst through the front door, drawing all eyes to his incredibly long, horse-like face. Obliviously knocking all tension from the room, he declared the moon to be the brightest he had ever seen it. Kahlan took this opportunity, with her eyes not on Richard, to both silently scold herself for having so very little control over her emotions (why did he have to describe stabbing people so sexily?) and to renew her pledge to remain strong in the Seeker's presence. Strong, like Richard's muscular arms, or his sculpted abs, or those perfect shoulders, she thought.

"Spirits help me," Kahlan whispered under her breath while Zedd continued to extol the virtues of the moon's brightness. Thankfully, Emma quickly interrupted him to announce that it was time for the children to go to bed. After much protesting and grumbling, the children said goodnight and left the adults to sort out their own sleeping arrangements.

"Like I said, we can sleep in the barn. I mean, we sleep on the ground most nights," Richard told Chase and Emma.

"Well, someone can sleep in here by the hearth," proposed Chase.

"Zedd!" Emma was quick to answer. She glanced quickly at Kahlan who, like the men, looked puzzled. "Well, Zedd should stay inside. He's older," Emma stammered as she looked from person to person, "and, and we all heard him complaining of a rheumatism earlier."

"Kahlan should sleep inside," Richard said while avoiding Kahlan's eyes. "The men can sleep in the barn, right Zedd?"

Zedd opened his mouth but was quickly cut off. " 'The men?' I'll have you know I've been sleeping on the hard ground for near a year." Kahlan put her hands on her hips and thrust her chin upwards a bit as she said, "I dare say I can handle it just as well as 'the men' and with less whining."

"Really, Kahlan. I'd be happy to give up my spot by the hearth for you." The old wizard said it so sincerely that Kahlan felt bad about shooting him a Confessor's Death Glare, but she was almost instantly joined by Emma, who was staring him down with a ferociousness akin to that of a mama bear.

Zedd looked between the two women for a moment and slowly shook his head. "You know, my back has been aching all day. Kahlan, would you mind allowing me to sleep inside tonight?" Triumphant smiles appeared on both women's faces and they group said a collective goodnight.

/\/\/\/\/\

An hour later, Kahlan lay next to Richard on the hay in the barn's small loft. She sighed and rolled back over to face him as she realized that yet again sleep just wasn't coming. She had gone nearly a week without anything resembling the proper amount of sleep, and it was starting to wear on her.

"Can't sleep either?" he whispered. She opened her eyes to find that they were face to face, only a few feet from each other.

"No. I'm sorry if my tossing and turning has kept you up." Kahlan scooted a few inches closer to him.

"I was awake. I've just been thinking."

"About what?"

"Nothing. Everything." Richard chuckled. "I don't know. It just seems like my mind is everywhere. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah." It did make sense. Weeks of nothing but sneaking through forests or the occasional town, avoiding D'Harans without any sort of confrontation was maddening. The lack of violence was starting to frustrate her. Bad. Now it was like her mind couldn't focus on anything. She needed something all-consuming, something instinctual. She needed a release.

Richard shifted and propped himself up on his elbow. "You know," he said, trying unsuccessfully to keep the grin off his face, "we could do it." A toothy grin lit up his entire face as he raised one eyebrow.

"Richard," she said, the way she would caution a child, "you know we can't." It came out in a breathy whisper, and it was all she could do to keep her breathing under control. She just knew her chest was heaving, revealing her excitement.

"Why not?" They were both sitting up by now, and he knelt in front of her to put his hand on her knee. "Kahlan?" She couldn't look at him. "Why not?"

"You know why," she replied solemnly, meeting his eyes. "We can't."

He took her hands in his and stared at her with pleading eyes. "We _need_ this." It was too much for her. His eyes, the look of desperation on his face, his hot hands on hers. Her heart ached for this noble, brave man.

And she couldn't disagree with him. They sure needed something to relieve the pressure. Maybe just this once. She fell forward a bit and sighed as if the air suddenly had gone out of her. She was resigned.

"We need this," she agreed. "But we can't tell Zedd."

"Of course not." Richard was not very good at trying to be serious when all he wanted to do was smile, and Kahlan couldn't help but laugh at his attempt to frown and nod his head.

"And we can't be loud." They stood up smiling like children and brushing the hay off themselves.

"Loud? Me?"

"Yes, you!" she hissed playfully. "Remember last time?"

"Last time? We were alone in the middle of nowhere in a huge field. Who was going to hear us?" He began untucking his shirt from his pants while she unlaced the top of her white dress. "Besides, you're the one who always squeals or laughs like a bird."

"At least I laugh!" she shot back. "All you do is grunt and bang me into things. No one would even know you were having a good time!"

"We're in a barn for the Spirits' sake! We can be loud." He pulled his shirt over his head and she let the white part of her dress fall to the floor. "It's not like we're doing it on Chase's table while he and Emma are asleep upstairs."

"You're right." He looked at her with a hint of surprise on his face. He must not have been expecting her to agree with him because he was grinning and shaking his head at her by the time she had managed to give him an encouraging smile.

"Let's just try not to disturb the poor cows." They both laughed, heartily at first, but then trailing off in spurts until they were simply staring at each other and breathing harder than usual.

They were alone, after all, in various states of undress. But they had found that this usually worked better with fewer clothes on. Kahlan let her eyes drop from his and travel down to his bare chest. The barn was dark, but the light from the moon was especially bright that night (Zedd was right!) and shone through the loft windows hitting both of them in all the right places. The ridges of his abs looked even more defined in shadow, and she was sure her cleavage was gleaming invitingly in the delicious moonlit shadows.

"So how do you want to do this?" Her eyes popped back up to his face and she found him smiling knowingly. "From behind? Or do you want to be on top?"

"Maybe I should be tied up," Kahlan suggested with a quick eyebrow raise.

"And where's the challenge in that for me?"

"Then maybe _you_ should be tied up."

*

"Kahlan," Richard whisper-spoke. "Kahlan!" he said a little louder. The Seeker was tied to a support beam in the main part of the barn and blindfolded. His Confessor had left him immobile and in darkness for nearly fifteen minutes with nary a sound nor touch to let him know she was near.

There was a rustle to his left and seconds later he heard it to his right. "Kahlan!" He was getting antsy and fidgeting against his bindings. She was crafty, his Confessor. She had managed to get him sweaty and nearly naked, take away his defenses and most of his senses, to be completely at her mercy. Crafty. It made him smile.

Just then, he felt the brush of fabric on his back and hands. He whipped his head around and tried with all his might to smell which way she went. Dammit! Zedd had yet to teach him how to sniff out his prey.

"Kahlan." he whispered again. This time she laughed in response, but it sounded like it was coming from every corner of the barn. Richard struggled more violently against his restraints and felt the brush of soft skin against his chest, then fingers running along his jaw and neck.

He sucked in a ragged breath and hissed it out as hands came around from behind and slid up his chest like soft, warm twin snakes. "Kahlan," he said in a warning. Sudden hot breath on his neck made him cease struggling and his whole body stiffen. She laughed again, only this time he could feel her laugher as yet more heat on his neck and as vibrations on his chest. His mind was starting to turn to jelly, as were his legs, when he felt the cold hard blade nestle under his chin with another poised point first behind his kidney.

"Next time, I want to be tied up." It was Richard's turn to laugh, more with relief than anything else. The sharp, cold metal found its way off his skin and Richard relaxed against the beam he was still tied to.

"This was fun, but way too easy. Richard," she scolded, "you didn't even try!" The sound of her daggers slipping back into her boots caught in his ears and he smirked. Before she had even straightened back up, an elongated grunt and the sound of ripping fabric preceded the force that knocked her to the ground from behind.

Kahlan managed to flip herself onto her back before Richard descended on her. He grinned as he straddled her legs and pinned her wrists above her head.

"Too easy? Can't tell I'm having fun?" He laughed and she wiggled under him with all her might to no avail. "Uh, uh, uh. You wanted to be tied up. Maybe I should oblige." He really was enjoying himself, but the look in Kahlan's eyes told him he would pay for this little stunt a hundred fold. Pay for it with Kahlan dressed as a Mord Sith? Maybe a whip? A boy could dream.

"Oh, I can tell you're having fun. Better enjoy it while you can." Richard settled in and smiled widely with his face mere inches from hers. They simply breathed at each other for a few moments, eye to eye, while his retort died in his throat.

"Kahlan." His voice shook slightly.

"Richard." Hers was even less steady.

"What are we doing?"

"I was about to ask the same question." Zedd stood in the doorway, the bright moonlight streaming in from behind him making his white hair practically glow.

Richard had never moved so fast in his life. Even when fleeing a hoard of D'Haran soldiers, or chasing that one stag they saw last month, or even fighting Rahl himself, but Richard was off Kahlan and searching for his shirt in the loft before she could sit up.

"Zedd. Hi. We were just, uh, practicing." She stood up and brushed the hay off her skirt. "Uh, practicing fighting techniques."

"So I see. Just as long as you kept your sword sheathed." If Richard didn't know any better, he'd have sworn he saw the hint of a smile on his grandfather's face before he turned towards the door. "We have a long journey tomorrow. Better hit the hay instead of rolling in it." Zedd put up his hand dismissively and walked out the door back into the moonlight.

Richard dressed quickly and heard Kahlan doing the same on the ground below. He joined her just as she was finishing lacing her white dress. "Why don't you try and sleep. You take the loft. I think I'm going to go for a walk." Sleeping wasn't really an option for him at this point, and from the flush of her skin he figured it wasn't for her either. Maybe a little distance from each other would be enough to calm them down.

"Goodnight then, Richard."

"Goodnight, Kahlan."

*

The next morning the Seeker, the Mother Confessor and the wizard Zedd ate breakfast with Chase and his family before they set off on their journey once more. Over the next weeks, they trekked through forests, fields, and towns, all the while listening to a borage of Zedd's endless hay and barn related jokes.

Richard had the good sense not to laugh at a single one of them.


End file.
